Spiral
by MissMouseMD
Summary: How long before she spirals out of control? Meredith angst.
1. Spiral

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating: **T

**Disclaimer:** Don't own nothing.

**Summary:** Meredith has trouble dealing with the consequences of prom night. Angst alert!

**A/N:** I'm writing another story with a plot line! So this is going to be pretty angsty, but never fear, because I am a Mer/Der shipper at heart. So anyway, enjoy.**

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**Spiral**

That night, a part of her died.

She swore to herself that she would never break up a marriage. She had realized years ago what had happened to her own parents. Maybe she didn't admit it. Maybe she tried to deny it. But she had always known that there had been someone else.

She was that someone else.

As she clutched to him and their bodies melded together, she realized there was no going back.

No erasing what she'd done.

And that terrified her.

"Meredith?"

"Meredith."

He'd looked at her so…_expectantly._ As though her sleeping with him somehow made her his property.

For a moment, she'd considered it.

Considered walking out with McDreamy. Happily ever after.

The End.

But it wasn't as simple as that, and she knew it.

He was married, for one thing. And he'd hurt her, and he'd called her a whore, and he'd left her to try and fix his own failing marriage while still smelling her hair in elevators and going on walks with their dog.

And still, she'd pined after him.

Longed for him from afar.

But now, she could have him.

And now, she realized that, really, she couldn't.

She could have Derek Shepherd, but she couldn't have _McDreamy._

She couldn't have what she'd wanted.

And so, she made her decision.

She looked straight at him.

"Your wife is waiting for you."

And she smiled at Finn, walked over to him, and took his hand.

"I'm ready. Let's go."

He smiled at her, and they walked out, arms linked.

She'd made the right decision.

Hadn't she?

Still, it nagged her.

Wouldn't let her go.

_She slept with another woman's husband._

She'd become the person she'd never wanted to be.

And even as she smiled at Finn, as she put her arms around him, she couldn't forget.

She'd never forget.

_She slept with another woman's husband._

And it was killing her inside.

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	2. Fire

**Title:** Spiral 

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Don't own nothing.

**A/N:** Yeah, so all my writing these days is very angsty, I think because I'm really stressed about finals. Anyway, enjoy, and please review. For my sanity.**

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**Fire**

She's making herself spaghetti. It was a long day at work.

Lately, it seems like all her days are long.

She goes to pick up the pot, and the oven mitt falls into flames. She watches in fascination as it begins to burn, slowly.

The flames grow bigger and she continues to stare.

"Meredith? Meredith!"

Finn comes up behind her and jerks her out of the way. She stumbles, but doesn't fall.

He puts the fire out and turns to look at her.

"What was that about?"

She doesn't say anything. It's like she can't hear him.

She's been doing this a lot recently. It worries him. It's almost as if she's shutting down.

He walks over to her, shakes her shoulders.

"Meredith, look at me."

And then, her head snaps up and she looks him in the eye.

"What?"

"Meredith, you just almost caught the house on fire."

She wrinkles her brow.

"Did I? I must have zoned out."

He nods.

"Yeah. Look, why don't you go get some sleep, all right?"

She nods.

"Okay."

He sits at the kitchen table, and puts his head in his hands.

He doesn't know what to do.

It's obvious she's having trouble.

But he doesn't know how to fix it.

Maybe she just needs to talk about it.

That's it.

He cleans up the mess in the kitchen, and climbs the stairs.

When he opens the bedroom door, she's lying down on the bed, still fully dressed.

He walks over, and lies down next to her.

"Meredith, honey, if you want to talk about anything, I'm here. You know that, don't you?"

She turns her head, to look at him.

"Yeah."

She wishes that were true. But she can't talk about anything to him. She can't tell him that she slept with another woman's husband. Because he wouldn't stay with her; if he knew she'd cheated.

And she needed him. He was so kind and so normal and so accepting.

He was like a rock. He'd never let her down.

Unless he knew the truth.

"Meredith, do you want to talk?"

She shakes her head.

"No, I'm really tired. I'm going to go to sleep now, okay?"

He sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, okay. Good night."

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**A/N:** Fear not! I will bring McDreamy in soon, I promise. Review, please? Thanks.


	3. Water

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** If you've seen if before, I don't own it.

**A/N:** Here we are with chapter 3, enjoy!**

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**Water**

And then everything's fine for a couple of days.

Like the eye of the storm.

A kind of eerie calm.

Meredith just walks around like a zombie.

A body with no soul.

Finn's tried everything.

But she won't open up.

And she won't get better, damn it.

They're eating dinner in silence.

It seems like everything they do is in silence.

He watches to make sure she eats every bite.

She wouldn't if he didn't remind her.

That scares him.

"I'm going to go get ready for bed."

He nods, and watches her leave.

He cleans the dishes.

Goes upstairs.

Lies down on the bed.

It's been a while.

She's still in there.

The water is still running.

He knocks on the door.

"Meredith?"

No reply.

"Meredith, honey, is everything okay?"

He doesn't hear a reply.

He turns the doorknob.

It's locked.

Panicked, he rattles it harder.

It still doesn't open.

He has a key.

Somewhere.

He turns the house upside down in search of it.

Finally, it's in his desk drawer.

His heart is pounding as he runs up the stairs.

He opens the bathroom door.

And there she is.

In the bathtub.

The water is steadily rising.

And she's just staring.

He turns the water off.

Just in time.

It was up to her chin.

Picks her up.

Wraps her in a towel.

He tries to get her to stand, but her body is limp.

Finally, he carries her to the bed.

Her eyes flutter a bit.

"Meredith? Can you hear me?"

And then she's back.

"Of course I can hear you. I'm not deaf."

He shakes his head.

"Okay, put your pajamas on. I'll be back in a minute."

She nods, frowning.

He goes to the downstairs phone.

He really doesn't want to do this.

But someone has to help her.

And she's not listening to him.

He picks up the phone.

Dials, and waits.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Derek. It's Finn. I need your help."

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**A/N:** See, I told you! Anyway, I'll try to write the next chapter fast, in the meantime please leave me a review.


	4. Concern

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** This chapter is kind of setting up things to come. Anyway, I'll update more later, I have finals today and tomorrow. Enjoy!**

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**Concern**

**(Finn's POV)**

"What do you mean?"

He's pacing the bedroom.

"It's Meredith. She's been acting strange, and she won't open up to me, and I was hoping maybe you could talk to her."

"Is she all right?"

He can hear Derek's concern.

"I'm not really sure."

"Well, I'll try to pull her aside at work, okay?"

"Okay, thanks. Bye."

He sighs, and runs his fingers through his hair.

Meredith walks into the room.

"Hey. You okay?"

She looks at him, puzzled.

"Of course."

He nods, and goes to go get ready for bed.

When he comes back, she's fast asleep.

**(Meredith's POV)**

At work, she's so tired.

Derek comes over to speak with Bailey.

She looks around at the other interns.

Cristina shakes her head.

She nods, and turns back around.

Waits for Bailey to be finished, so she can get her assignment.

It's hard to explain.

She's so tired of all this.

She wants to just go home and sleep forever.

Bailey comes back over.

"Karev, you're with Montgomery-Shepherd. O'Malley, you're with Dr. Hahn. Yang you're with me."

Oh, shit. She knows what that means.

"Grey, you're with Shepherd."

She silently begs Bailey to switch her with someone.

Anyone.

"Now, Grey!"

She walks toward him, dreading every step.

He starts talking about the case.

She nods, but she can tell it's happening again.

The world is getting all foggy.

His voice is fading out.

She welcomes the blissful escape.

For a moment, it's like none of this ever happened.

And then his voice makes her jump.

"Meredith!"

Everything comes flooding back, and it's all she can do not to burst into tears.

He looks at her, concerned.

"Is everything okay?"

She nods.

Of course it is.

Just fine.

He continues to stare at her.

She ignores him.

They go on like this for several hours.

Finally, she's walking in the hallway when he grabs her shoulder.

Pulls her into an empty room.

She struggles.

He won't let her go.

"Meredith, what's really wrong?"

She laughs wryly.

"What's wrong? What's WRONG? I slept with you and you're married and I'm with Finn and it wasn't supposed to happen! That's what's WRONG!"

He stares at her.

"Meredith, I'm sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry for? It was my decision, too. I'm the slutty mistress, remember?"

And with that, she shoves him out of the way and storms out.

He can only watch, concerned.

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**A/N:** Please review! 


	5. Glass

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** Sigh. How I love my angst. So my life is going kind of crappy lately, or maybe I just have a crappy attitude, and anyway, it's totally reflected in my writing. :) Which is causing my fanfics to be increasingly more depressing. Enjoy.**

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**Glass**

**Meredith**

"Do you think she's okay?"

"Maybe someone should go talk to her."

"Well, if you're volunteering…"

She rolls here eyes.

They obviously don't know she can hear them.

Or maybe they don't care.

No one cares.

They talk about her.

Talk about how she's feeling.

But no one will just come over and talk _to_ her.

Hug her, and tell her it will be okay.

Finn can't. He doesn't know what's wrong.

And she can't tell him.

Derek can't. He's the one who made her like this.

He can't fix what he broke.

Her friends are the only ones she wants.

But they don't seem to know how.

They continue to whisper.

She sighs, shakes her head, and walks away.

**George**

He watches her leave.

He knows something's wrong.

But he's never been good with words.

He stumbles over his own tongue and he never quite knows what to say.

But as he watches her walk away, his heart breaks.

Her shoulders are slumped in defeat.

She looks so tired.

**Cristina**

She's not good at this.

She can handle blood and gore and God knows what else.

Anything but this.

Because the minute it stops being about medicine, she stops knowing what to do.

She can only heal flesh wounds.

She can't sew up a broken heart.

She can't mend a broken spirit.

And she knows it.

**Alex**

He does care.

No matter what anyone thinks.

He cares about Meredith.

She's his friend.

She doesn't judge him.

She always forgives him.

She always knows what to say to him to make him feel better.

And usually, he returns the favor.

But this time, he doesn't know what to say.

He doesn't know how to make it better.

**Meredith**

She walks into the locker room.

It's empty.

God, she's so tired.

And so lonely.

She looks at her reflection in the mirror.

Her eyes once shone, now they are dull.

Her hair seems flat and lifeless.

She's always been thin, but now she's positively skeletal.

She looks like hell.

It's fitting.

She looks how she feels.

As she stares at herself, the rage boils inside her.

Consuming her.

She can't even stand to look at herself.

**George, Cristina, & Alex**

A scream pierces the air.

The sound of shattering glass.

It's coming from the locker room.

They can't get there fast enough.

Alex gets there first.

He wrenches the door open.

She's standing there.

Surrounded by shards of broken glass and drops of spilled blood.

"Meredith?"

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**A/N:** I'll try to update soon, but school's out! Which means tanning and swimming and sleeping, and maybe updating fanfics in the time in between, lol. Review, I beg you. :D 


	6. Collapse

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** So it's midnight and I'm like, maybe I should update my fic now. So here it is. Read. Enjoy. Tell me all about it.**

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**Collapse**

**Alex**

He walks over, and shakes her shoulder.

"Meredith!"

She says nothing.

Blood drips from cuts on her hand.

Her back is to him.

He turns her around, so he's face to face with her.

He's shocked by what he sees.

Tears are running down her face.

She shows no emotion, but the tears keep on falling.

"Meredith."

His voice is softer now.

She still does not reply.

"Meredith?"

**Meredith**

She hears him.

Calling her name.

She doesn't reply.

She can't.

Usually, it's a blissful release.

When the numbness comes, she welcomes it.

But this time, it's different.

It's painful, and terrifying.

The edges of her vision are blackening.

The floor is on a slant.

She's falling.

**George**

He watches Alex catch her.

He hears Cristina mutter a string of words that would make a sailor cringe.

He can't seem to make himself do anything.

Meredith is broken.

He doesn't quite know what to do.

**Cristina**

She swears to herself.

And immediately takes charge.

In a sick way, she's relieved.

Because those cuts on Meredith's hand; those cuts can be stitched up.

Those are things she can fix.

**Derek**

When he sees Alex carrying her, his heart almost stops.

She looks so pale. So lifeless.

He drops the file he was holding, and runs to catch up.

"What happened?"

If looks could kill, he'd be six feet under.

He's never been this intimidated by an intern.

"She collapsed."

He notices the blood, then.

It's dripping onto the floor.

Slowly, like a broken faucet.

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

He puts an arm on the wall to steady himself.

Alex walks on, without him.

George and Cristina are nowhere to be seen.

Finding Bailey, probably.

She'll take charge.

Bailey always knows what to do.

It occurs to him that someone should call her boyfriend.

Finn.

He may not like the man, but he respects him.

And the guy deserves to know that his girlfriend collapsed at work.

He sighs, and walks off in search of the nearest phone.

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**Review. I'm begging you.**


	7. Problem

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine

**A/N:** The point of view jumps a lot in this chapter, but I really wanted to show how everyone was feeling. Yes, it's a little long, but I know you guys aren't complaining. Enjoy!

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**Problem**

**Finn**

He's at work when he gets the call.

Stitching up a cat named Percy's paw.

He finishes up and ties the knot before picking up the phone.

"Hello?"

His voice is crisp, businesslike.

"Finn? This is Derek. Derek Shepherd."

"What's up?"

"It's, uh, it's Meredith. We've got a bit of a situation here."

His voice becomes a deadly calm.

"What kind of a problem?"

"We're not exactly sure. A mirror broke and she passed out."

"I'll be right there."

He's still eerily calm as he grabs his coat and walks out through the front.

"Glenda, cancel all my appointments for the day."

She rolls her eyes, and continues reading her newspaper.

"Damnit, Glenda, I'm serious!"

He never should have hired her.

Useless excuse for a secretary.

He starts the car and drives off.

He sure hopes there aren't any police cars on the way.

**Bailey**

She knew something was wrong the minute they almost ran her over.

They look so desperate.

"What's going on?"

They both try to talk at once.

All she can make out is "Meredith", "bleeding", and "glass".

"All right. All right!"

They shut up at the tone of her voice.

"Where is she?"

"Alex has her."

She rolls her eyes.

Interns.

"Well, where did Alex take her?"

**Alex**

He lays her on the exam room table.

"C'mon, Meredith, c'mon, wake up!"

He slaps her cheek.

She remains still.

He remembers her hand.

It's covered in blood.

"Aw, _damn it_, Meredith!"

He grabs a towel, and some peroxide to clean it up.

He freezes when he sees the glass.

Imbedded in her hand, and her wrist.

"Jesus Christ."

**George**

He struggles to keep up with Bailey.

She walks fast for such a small person.

He glances over at Cristina.

She's looking straight ahead.

Her face is completely blank.

But he knows how she feels.

He knows she'll never admit it.

He knows she's terrified.

**Derek**

He should be making sure she's okay.

But he can't seem to make himself get up.

His legs are shaking.

Christ, his whole body is shaking.

The guilt is spreading through his whole body.

He leans forward, and puts his head in his hands.

How the hell did this happen?

**Bailey**

When she walks in, she's taken by surprise.

Alex is sitting beside Meredith.

Holding tweezers.

Poised over her arm.

But not moving.

Except for his hand.

It's shaking uncontrollably.

She walks over.

Takes the tweezers from him.

He looks at her, surprised.

"I've got it."

Her voice is soft, and it almost doesn't sound like her.

He nods, and leaves the room.

**George, Cristina, & Alex**

They lean against the wall.

Drained. Exhausted.

No one says anything.

They remain in silence, lost in though.

Until a voice startles them.

"Where is she?"

They know who it is.

**Finn**

He tries to be rational.

He tries.

But he snaps at the receptionist, anyway.

He's a nice guy.

But he needs to see her.

Make sure she's okay.

Her friends come running.

He asks them, desperately.

"Where is she?"

One of them answers.

"In the exam room. With Dr. Bailey."

"I need to see her."

They nod.

He follows them to her room.

They stop outside the door.

He takes a deep breath, and walks in.

"How is she?"

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**Review.**


	8. Home

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** So sorry about the delay! Our internet was down and they wouldn't fix it properly. Stupid Comcast. Anyway, enjoy!**

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Home

Finn

He sees her and stops short.

She looks so lifeless.

Her eyes are closed.

A bandage encloses one arm.

His voice cracks when he speaks.

"How is she?"

The short lady doctor-Dr. Bailey, maybe-looks at him.

Her voice is calm.

Rational.

"She'll be fine. Probably exhausted. You can take her home, when she wakes up."

He nods.

Walks over.

Takes her hand.

And whispers, ever so softly, in her ear.

"C'mon, Meredith, honey. Wake up."

She stirs, a little bit, but doesn't wake.

He sighs.

Dr. Bailey leaves him alone.

He puts his head down, next to hers.

How the hell did this happen?

"Finn?"

Her voice is weak, and scratchy.

"Meredith. What happened?"

She shakes her head.

"Meredith, please tell me. What happened?"

But she continues to stare at nothing, and he sighs.

Not again.

**George, Cristina, & Alex**

They watch Finn lead her out.

She looks so broken.

Her eyes are lifeless.

Staring at nothing.

It's eerie.

They have to look away.

**Meredith**

It's not that she doesn't want to tell him.

She does.

But she knows if she tells him, he'll leave her.

Leave her all alone.

She's never liked being alone.

The very thought terrifies her.

She opens her mouth, to say something.

But her throat is dry.

And the words get caught on her tongue.

So she keeps silent.

They get in the car.

"Finn. I want to go home."

He looks at her.

"Are you sure? I was going to go to my place."

She shakes her head.

"No. I want to go home."

He nods.

**Izzie**

She feels so lazy now.

She should be finding a new job.

But it hasn't even been a month since Denny died.

And she can't seem to find the strength to leave the house.

She's gotten a lot better.

She doesn't run out of the room in tears when someone says his name.

She makes a conscious effort to get out of bed every day.

She doesn't wear her pajamas all the time anymore.

But still, she isn't the same person.

She hasn't been, not since Denny died.

The sound of the door opening startles her.

George and Meredith shouldn't be home yet.

Who could it be?

"Izzie?"

She sighs in relief.

It's Finn.

"I'm in the kitchen!"

When he enters the room, she's shocked.

Because he's not alone.

Meredith's leaning on him.

Her hand is in a bandage.

"There was an accident. She wanted to come home."

She nods.

"So, I'm just going to get her upstairs, and into bed, okay?"

She nods again.

She can't tear her eyes away from Meredith's face.

It looks exhausted, and terrified, and her eyes are full of pain.

She wonders how long they've looked like that.

She's been too preoccupied with her own pain to notice that of those around her.

Does that make her selfish?

The oven's beeping shakes her from her reverie.

She takes the cookies out of the oven.

And when she turns back around, Finn and Meredith have gone upstairs.

She sighs.

How the hell did this happen?

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**Review.**


	9. Troubled

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** Um, yeah. Enjoy.**

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**Meredith**

Meredith Grey doesn't cry.

She avoids it, if at all possible.

Sure, she sheds tears now and then.

But she never allows herself to really cry.

To give in to heart wrenching sobs.

When her daddy left, when she was just a little girl, she didn't cry.

When her mommy ignored her, she didn't cry.

When her boyfriend was married, she didn't cry.

She sulked and she drank and she was angry as hell.

But she didn't cry.

Because she doesn't let herself cry.

She cried once.

She couldn't hold the tears anymore.

The sobs came so hard that she couldn't breathe.

He held her hand and whispered to her until she was okay again.

But he can't do that anymore.

If she cries now, he can't make it better.

He can't fix her, because he's the one who caused her pain.

**Finn**

She won't let him help her.

It hurts that she doesn't trust him.

He knows that she's not telling him something.

And he knows that it's probably something bad.

And he knows that she still loves Derek Shepherd.

And yet, he stays with her.

He saves her from drowning, and he saves her from kitchen fires.

Because you don't leave bloody car crash victims on the side of the road.

And you don't just leave broken women alone in their misery.

You just don't.

But still, it hurts when she pushes him away.

It hurts when she rolls over, and swats him with her bandaged hand.

"Go away, Finn."

He tries to reason with her, but she doesn't listen.

"I want to be alone."

Sighing, he leaves the room.

But he knows better than to leave her alone.

**Izzie**

Finn's voice startles her.

"Stay with her."

She turns, to look at him.

"What?"

She furrows her brow, confused.

"Watch her, to make sure she's okay. Meredith."

"Oh."

She nods.

"All right."

His face is serious.

"She's not been herself lately. Maybe you can try and cheer her up."

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly Little Miss Sunshine lately."

"You can still try."

She looks at him a moment.

And then agrees.

"Okay. I'll try."

He smiles at her briefly, before walking out the door.

She stands there, a minute.

In the middle of the kitchen.

And then she picks up the phone.

Dials George's cell.

"Hello?"

"George? It's Izzie."

"Oh, hey Iz."

She doesn't bother with trivialities.

"What the hell happened to Meredith?"

"She-uh, we're not exactly sure, actually. We heard her scream, and when we walked in the room, a mirror was broken and she was bleeding."

Izzie frowns.

"Can you come home early tonight? I mean, as early as you can? Because I think Meredith needs company right now."

"Um, okay. I gotta go. I'll see you then?"

"Yeah. Bye."

She puts the phone down, troubled.

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**Review.**


	10. Brownies

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** Sorry I took so long to update! I've been really busy lately, I'm doing Driver's Ed this month. Plus I'm having some family problems, so I've kind of been in a crappy mood. So anyway, enjoy!**

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**Brownies**

**Meredith**

The sound of the door opening startles her.

She turns, and is surprised to see Izzie and George.

"Hey, Meredith, are you okay?"

She nods.

She's lying, of course.

She's not okay. But she won't admit it.

Izzie's carrying something.

She squints.

"I brought brownies."

Both of them look awkward, as though they're afraid to come in farther than the doorway.

She tries to smile.

It ends up being more of a grimace.

"Thank you."

Izzie seems to take this as a welcome sign, because she comes into the room.

George follows her.

Izzie sits on the edge of the bed and wordlessly hands her the brownies.

George stands behind Izzie, looking uncomfortable.

She takes a bite out of a brownie.

It actually does make her feel better, somehow.

"You wanna talk?"

Izzie's voice is soft.

She shakes her head.

"Why not?"

Her mouth is full of brownie, so she just shrugs.

"Meredith, you should talk about it. This isn't healthy."

She can feel the rage building up inside of her.

How would Izzie know anything about it?

She's been moping about Denny for a month now.

She tries to ignore the fact that Denny died, and Derek's perfectly healthy.

It makes her feel so guilty.

And she hates feeling guilty.

She swallows her brownie.

"Look, Izzie, I appreciate it. Really, I do. But I'm fine, okay? I just got a little upset. It wasn't a big deal."

Neither Izzie nor George look convinced, but they seem to sense that she's pretty close to the breaking point.

"Okay. Just call, if you need anything. We'll be downstairs."

Izzie gets up to leave, and George follows her.

**George**

Obviously, Izzie didn't get through to her.

He'd try, but he's not good with words.

He always seems to just make everything worse.

So he kept his mouth shut.

Once they're in the hall, he sighs.

"This isn't working."

Izzie shakes her head.

"No, it's not."

"Well, what do you want to do about it?"

She shrugs.

"I don't know. I don't know what to do."

She looks pretty stressed out.

He doesn't push it.

He knows she's still recovering from Denny.

He rubs his eyes tiredly.

"Izzie, I'm gonna go to bed, okay?"

She nods.

He stumbles into his bedroom, and doesn't even bother to change.

He falls asleep on top of the covers.

* * *

**Review, please.**


	11. Sleep

**Title: **Spiral 

**Author: **MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**A/N:** I know this story moves kind of slowly, but it's more about the characters, Meredith especially, and their emotions andrelationships with eachother.So I hope you guys trust me with this and as always, feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. You don't know how happy it makes me that you guys are reading this and liking it. **

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**

**Sleep**

"George. George!"

"Wha?"

His voice is slurred.

He props himself up on his elbows, and rubs his eyes.

"Who's there?"

"It's me. Move over, will you?"

"Meredith?"

He obliges, scooting over to provide room for her.

"What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep."

He nods.

"Oh."

She seems oblivious to his presence as she crawls under the covers.

She turns her back to him, and it's obvious she doesn't want to talk.

They lay there in the dark for some time before she breaks the silence.

"Do you think I'm crazy?"

He stares at her back.

She won't turn around.

"No. Of course not."

"Honestly. You don't think I'm even the least bit crazy?"

He pauses for a moment before he answers, and she flops onto her back.

"You do, don't you?"

She looks at him, pleading with her eyes for him to say no.

For him to tell her that she's going to be okay.

"You're not crazy, Mer."

"How do you know, George? For all you know, I could have seven personalities!"

"I think I'd notice if you had seven personalities, Meredith."

She smiles a ghost of a smile.

Encouraged, he continues.

"You've been through a lot lately, with your mother, and the Code Black, and this whole mess with Dr. Shepherd. There's a difference between overwhelmed and insane."

She nods.

"I slept with Derek."

Her voice is soft, and he can tell she's ashamed.

"I know."

"On Prom night."

"I know."

She stares at him, perplexed.

"Callie told me."

"Oh. Callie."

Her face is unreadable.

"If it helps, I don't think it makes you any less of a good person."

"I slept with a married man! How does that not make me a bad person?"

He sighs.

"Because he's been leading you on for ages, and because you love him, and because he loves you. And I'm not saying it was right, it wasn't. But it was just a bad decision, and everybody makes bad decisions. Even good people like you."

She looks at him.

"You really think so?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks, George. That means a lot to me."

He nods, and smiles uncomfortably.

He can't help but notice how awkward the situation is.

He has a girlfriend, and it seems a little weird to have another girl in his bed.

Especially Meredith.

But then she looks at him and smiles like a little girl, and he can't help but be happy that he's made her smile.

"You're the best. Good night, George."

"Good Night, Mer."

He rolls over on his side of the bed, and she stays on hers.

He wakes up sometime in the middle of the night, and Izzie's sandwiched in the middle, fast asleep.

He smiles, and pulls the blanket so it covers the three of them.

* * *

**Review.**


	12. Missing

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**A/N: **Wow, I am really piling the drama on this story! I hope that the constant stream of angstiness doesn't bother anyone, but I keep getting all these great ideas and I don't want to leave any out. Thanks to all who reviewed, and please continue to do so, as I sincerely appreciate the feedback. Enjoy!**

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**

**Missing**

**George**

When he wakes up again, Meredith's gone.

It's just him and Izzie in the bed.

He groans, and shakes Izzie's shoulder.

"Izzie. Wake up. Izzie!"

She opens her eyes with a start.

"How did I get in here?"

He shrugs.

"I was going to ask you the same question."

He gets up to go get breakfast.

Izzie flops back on the bed.

He stumbles on the stairs, not quite awake yet.

He does a double take when he sees Meredith at the table.

Eating some of the healthy cereal left over from when she was with Derek.

"Meredith?"

She laughs at his shocked face.

"Good morning to you too, George."

He doesn't know how to say what he wants to say without her hating him forever, so he keeps his mouth shut.

"You better eat fast, George, it's almost time to leave."

"Um, Meredith, you're taking off a couple days, remember?"

She gives him a sunny smile, and he's even more confused.

"Of course I remember. I'm going to Finn's."

He nods, and tries to force a smile.

It's more of a grimace, but Meredith chooses to ignore this.

"I've got to go, Finn's expecting me. Bye, George!"

She looks happy and carefree, and almost like her old self.

Minus five pounds and with a bandage on her hand.

"Bye, Meredith."

**Izzie**

When she comes downstairs, she finds George sitting at the table.

He looks like he might be in shock.

"Earth to George. Anybody home?"

"Huh-what?"

She giggles at his face.

"Where's my camera when I need it?"

The smile fades off her face as she takes in the expression on his face.

"What's up?"

"I think we may have another Meredith problem."

She groans and rolls her eyes.

"What's wrong with her now? I swear, I'm trying to be supportive and everything, but she will not let anyone help her!"

"Izzie, you just have to be patient. And this Meredith problem is a lot more pleasant than the ones we've had in the past. She's all bright and sunshiny and _happy._"

He says the last word with an expression of such disgust that she begins to giggle again.

"It's not funny, Izzie. She's all emotionally unstable, and the next thing we know, she'll be attacking someone with an axe!"

At this mental image, her giggles escalate into full blown laughter.

"Izzie, it's not funny!"

But even as he says it, his voice shakes a bit.

And then he's laughing, too.

The shrill ring of the phone startles them out of their hysterics.

George looks at her expectantly, so she walks over to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"No, this is Izzie. Who's this?"

"Finn? Well, she's at your place. Isn't she?"

"What do you mean she's not there? Then where is she?"

"Okay, George and I will call around. What's your cell number?"

She motions to George and he hands her a pad of paper and a pen.

"Okay, I'll call you if I have any news. Bye."

She hangs up the phone.

George is staring at her, questioningly.

"Meredith isn't at Finn's."

* * *

**Review.**


	13. Search

**Title: **Spiral

**Author: **MissMouseMD

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**A/N:** Okay, so I'm kind of keeping you hanging. But you'll find out where Meredith is, in good time. This is mostly the reactions of her friends. In the next chapter, I'm going to try to have more of Derek, Finn, and maybe Addison or Burke. And this chapter contains Badass!Bailey. Enjoy, and please tell me what you think.

**

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**

**Search**

**Izzie**

Meredith always did know how to get herself into sticky situations.

Dating a married man, crying during sex, and getting her hand stuck in a body with a freaking bomb in it.

And now she's gone missing.

Really, it amazes her that no one's sent the girl to therapy already.

Izzie Stevens is a nice girl.

She's a pretty girl.

She cleans obsessively and she cranks out the baked goods.

And maybe she's been in a state of depression for the past month, but she has a _reason._

Her boyfriend died. No, not her boyfriend.

Her _fiancé._

So she has a reason to be a little blue.

But all Meredith did was screw a married man.

And yes, okay, she cheated on her boyfriend.

And yes, okay, she's in the middle of a nasty love triangle that is now more of a quadrilateral.

But, honestly.

Meredith's completely lost it.

She doesn't know for sure what happened to make that mirror break.

But she's got an idea.

And it scares her.

Because if Meredith is _that_ screwed up, who knows what she'll do without any supervision at all.

She tries to think of all the places Meredith would go.

_She's not at Finn's._

_It's too early for a bar._

_She's probably not at the hospital. _(Note to self: call Cristina to find out for sure)

_She could be at Derek's. _(Probably not, though, since she hasn't spoken to him since Prom night)

_She could be visiting her mother._ (Except Meredith doesn't exactly get along with her mother and whenever she comes back from seeing her she drinks a lot of tequila and locks herself in the bathroom)

Damn it, why did she have to be such a tragedy magnet?

Why couldn't Meredith be nice, like her?

Sighing, she picks up the phone.

"Hey, Cristina? It's Izzie. Have you seen Meredith today?"

"Oh, George is there already?"

She wonders how many red lights he ran.

"Okay, well, call me if you guys find her. Bye."

She hangs up the phone, and goes upstairs to change.

If she's going to go on a mad search for Meredith, she probably shouldn't do it in her pj's.

She manages to get washed and dressed in record time.

As she starts her car and prepares to drive to Derek's, she wonders why someone always has to rescue Meredith Grey.

**Cristina**

She can't believe Meredith.

How stupid can you get?

First, she sleeps with her (**married**) ex-boyfriend.

Then she goes into a kind of trance for about a month.

Then she goes and smashes her hand into a mirror.

And finally, now Meredith has managed to disappear.

If it was anyone else, no one would care.

But since it's _Meredith,_ and since she's been demonstrating semi-suicidal tendencies lately, everybody's freaking out.

Her included.

Admittedly, deep down.

Very deep down.

But she can't help it; she's not an emotional person.

She pushes emotions away in favor of professionalism and aloofness.

And contrary to all appearances, she is scared shitless that Meredith's gone and done something particularly stupid.

**George**

He can't ever remember feeling this worried in his entire life.

He was pretty scared when Rover ran away in the second grade, but this is different.

Meredith means more to him than his old dog.

And he probably shouldn't be comparing the two, since Rover ended up being steamrollered by the neighbor's car.

_Damn it, George. Be positive._

He tries to think of somewhere good that she could have gone, and fails.

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it.

**Alex**

He's not worried.

Of course he isn't worried.

Alex Karev, asshole extraordinaire, does not get worried.

Because if you're worried about someone, it usually means you care.

And 'caring' isn't a word people generally associate with him.

'Cruel', 'ass', and 'despicable', yes.

Caring, no.

Worried, definitely not.

So he keeps telling himself that he's not worried.

And he's definitely not in denial, either.

Of course not.

**Bailey**

Right now, she would very much like to take a tire iron to McDreamy's perfect face.

And whoever else contributed to The Screwing Up Of Meredith Grey.

She has a kid.

A baby boy.

And she has trouble leaving him with his father at home for five minutes.

Needless to say, leaving him at work is almost physically painful.

So she can't for the life of her empathize with Meredith's parents.

Her father left her.

Her mother ignored her.

And, technically, they aren't to be blamed for this mess.

But they sure as hell contributed.

And her interns are like her children.

She may yell at them and call them suck ups and work them until they're almost crying from exhaustion, but it's for their own good.

And she's very protective of her children.

So she will find Meredith Grey.

And in the mean time, it would probably be best for Derek Shepherd to stay the hell out of her way.

* * *

**Review.**


	14. Pathetic

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Don't sue.

**A/N:** Okay, so now _we_ know where Meredith is. But no one else does. Chaos ensues! Thanks so much for all the wonderful reviews, you guys! Enjoy!**

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**

**Pathetic**

**Meredith**

She's pathetic.

She's pathetic, and she knows it.

And everybody else knows it.

Which is actually kind of embarrassing.

And it explains why she's sitting in a closet, drinking tequila out of the bottle.

She was going to tell Finn.

She was all honesty is policy, and all that crap.

She tried to be cheerful.

She tried to be honest.

It didn't work.

Maybe she's just fated to be a miserable, dirty ex-mistress.

It's her destiny, or whatever.

Lovely.

She takes another swig of tequila.

It burns as it slides down her throat, and she smiles.

She deserves to feel like this.

She deserves to feel horrible.

Everything's getting kind of fuzzy.

She drinks anyway.

The edges of her vision are black.

Still, she does not stop.

And then, everything's gone black.

The bottle slips from her hand.

She slumps against the wall.

**Finn**

After this, it's over.

He can't handle this anymore.

He thought he could.

He told her himself.

She warned him that she was scary and damaged.

He didn't listen.

Because he didn't think that anyone could be this scary.

This damaged.

And it scares him.

But that's not the whole reason he's ending it.

The truth is, she doesn't love him.

He's not stupid.

She's pining after another man, and his ego can only take so much.

Her friends will support her.

She doesn't need him.

So when they find her, it's over.

**Addison**

She feels guilty, somehow.

Like it's her fault that her husband fell in love with an intern.

Like it's her fault that she didn't want to divorce him.

Like it's her fault that her husband's ex-mistress completely lost it.

It isn't her fault, and she knows it.

It's stupid of her to even consider the possibility that it might beher fault.

And yet, she can't stop feeling guilty.

**Derek**

Damn it.

He's really screwed things up this time.

He loves Addison.

She's his wife.

He loves Meredith more.

And that scares him.

Because you aren't supposed to love another woman more than your wife.

It's against some rule.

You aren't supposed to cheat on your wife with the woman you love, either.

It's against some rule, too.

But then, your wife isn't supposed to cheat on you with your best friend.

That's the problem.

The rules were all disregarded long ago.

And since then, all hell's broken loose.

**Cristina**

They've looked _everywhere._

The nursing home.

Derek's place.

The bar.

The park, even.

The hospital.

And they can't find Meredith.

And she's pretty sure she's lost ten years off her life.

You lose glasses.

You lose car keys.

You even lose pets.

But you don't lose _people_, for God's sake.

You just don't.

* * *

**Review.**


	15. Found

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** Oh my gosh, you guys, I'm so sorry! I went on vacation and they didn't have internet! I feel so bad for making everyone wait this long, but here's the next chapter. Please tell me what you think, I haven't written in six weeks.**

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**

**Found**

**Izzie**

_She_ wasn't supposed to find Meredith.

McDreamy was supposed to find Meredith.

He was supposed to find her and pick her up and kiss her pain away.

They were supposed to ride off into the sunset in a shining, gilded carriage.

Just like she was supposed to do with Denny.

_Denny._

She drags Meredith's sleeping form out of a hospital closet, and she tries not to think about Denny.

It's two thirty in the morning.

The floor is nearly empty.

Nobody notices Izzie Stevens, the most talked about intern since she famously, accidentally, killed her fiancé.

Nobody notices her drag Meredith Grey, the second most talked about intern since she famously screwed a married attending, across the floor.

No one sees her slap Meredith's face until she comes to, groggy and disoriented.

"Izzie? What happened?"

Meredith's words slur together and it's only seconds before she begins to doze again.

"Meredith-wake up, Meredith! I'll tell you what happened. You got drunk and locked yourself into a closet is what happened. We all went looking for you for the past eight hours is what happened. You could have died if I hadn't heard you snoring when I walked past the door searching for you is what happened! Now for God's sake, don't fall asleep again! We have to get out of here."

Meredith's eyes open wide at Izzie's snappish, angry tone, and she nods submissively.

She pulls Meredith up so she's standing, and Meredith lets her.

And she helps her to the car, where she promptly falls asleep in the front seat.

And she tries not to be jealous that the one man who loved her is dead, and the three men (if you count George) who love Meredith are all very much alive.

**George**

He's so relieved when he sees Izzie drag Meredith in the front door.

He runs to help her, but she swats him off and tells him to call of the search.

He obeys, and he can't quite conceal the joy in his voice as he calls around to report that Meredith's been found, and she's very much alive.

Finn and Derek both want to come over and see her, but he tells them that that's not the best idea right now.

It isn't, either.

They're both the reason that she's like this, and he wants to make sure she's really okay first.

Because the way she's been acting lately, he's pretty sure she's far from okay.

**Derek**

He did this to her.

George just called him and explained that Izzie found her passed out in a hospital closet, and it's all his fault.

He asks to see her without meaning to, and he wants to slap himself for it.

He's relieved when George asks him not to come.

He doesn't want to see her. Because it's all his fault.

* * *

**Review.**


	16. Talk

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating: **T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N: **Okay, this chapter is kind of short, and I apologize. There's also a lot of point of view shifts, and sorry for that too. But I hope you guys enjoy it, and thanks for the wonderful reviews!**

* * *

**

**Talk**

**Meredith**

When she wakes up, her vision is blurred and her head is pounding and she would kill someone for a glass of water.

Also, Bailey is sitting in her bedroom.

The shock doesn't quite hit her for a few seconds, but when it does, she bolts upright. And regrets it immediately, when the pounding in her brain escalates.

"What are you doing here?"

It comes out more snappish than she meant it to, but she doesn't bother to apologize.

She starts to regret that when she catches the look on Bailey's face.

"Sorry…"

She mumbles something about a hangover.

Bailey just glares at her until she starts to squirm, much to her embarrassment.

"What the HELL do you think you're doing?"

She jumps, and tries to conceal her uneasiness.

"Are you TRYING to get yourself KILLED?"

She shakes her head. She doesn't trust herself to speak.

"Well you're sure as hell ACTING like it!"

Bailey's voice lowers a bit.

"I expect to see you at work on in a week, do you understand me?"

She nods.

"Good."

She slumps back onto the bed as Bailey makes her exit.

**Bailey**

Kids.

Sometimes yelling is the only way to really make your point clear.

Of course, she's not stupid.

If Meredith so much as toes the line back into Slightly-Suicidal-Tendencies Zone, she's sending her straight to a shrink.

**Derek**

He's busy drowning in his guilt when a thought occurs to him.

What if Meredith really isn't okay?

The very idea paralyzes him.

He tries to fight the panic, but he can't seem to make it go away.

Finally, he grabs his keys and calls something to his wife about work.

She just nods.

**Addison**

She isn't stupid.

She knows that he isn't going to work. He's going to see Meredith.

She doesn't really blame him for it. After all, the girl's losing it fast.

But the nagging voice in her ear just won't be quiet.

_He loves her more, you know._

_He's going to leave you for her._

_You just wait and see._

**George**

He doesn't want to let McDreamy in.

But Izzie insists, and he's never been good at refusing her when she pouts like that.

Then he finds himself feeling _sorry_ for Dr. Shepherd, and that's just weird.

The guy broke Meredith. He doesn't deserve any pity.

But the frantic look in Derek's face as he asks if Meredith's okay, and the fear in his eyes as he demands to see her, make it hard to keep on hating him.

After all, he's only human. They all are.

**Meredith**

She's contemplating getting out of bed for some water when the door swings open.

She's somewhat relieved to see that it's Derek, not Bailey again.

But only a somewhat, because he's got that look on his face like he wants to talk about Big Scary Issues.

She wonders if he'd be fooled if she were to play dead.

"Meredith, we need to talk."

She looks at her hands, the wall, the ceiling; anywhere but him.

She can't think of anything to say, except,

"I know."

* * *

**And I'm afraid that you're going to have to wait for the discussion of the Big Scary Issues. Anyway, review please!**


	17. Wait

**Title:** Spiral

**Author:** MissMouseMD

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**A/N:** Sorry again for the wait! I have so much work for school that I just couldn't find the time to update. Hope you guys like this chapter!**  
**

**- **

**Wait **

**Derek**

The silence in the room is overwhelming.

It's closing in on him, crushing him, until he can no longer breathe.

It's physically painful.

Until she breaks it.

"I'm sorry."

She looks so tiny, so broken, and he can't believe that he let himself hurt her.

"Don't be."

The vehemence in his voice surprises them both.

He continues, words coming faster and faster.

"It's my fault. I toyed with your affections, when you and I both knew it wasn't possible. I let myself believe that it was okay, that I didn't love you anymore. I made myself believe that I loved Addison. And I do love Addison. I do. But not the same way. And that night, you just looked so beautiful, and I couldn't help myself. It was the wrong thing to do, and I'm sorry."

Her eyes are wide, and she's staring as though she's never seen him before in her life, as though he's become a different person right before her eyes.

"Do you?"

Her voice is a breathy whisper.

He wrinkles his brow, confused.

"Do I what?"

"Still love me."

He pauses.

**Meredith**

She's fairly sure they've used up all of the oxygen in the room.

It's the only sensible explanation she can come up with for her sudden inability to breathe properly.

She bites her lip, watching as he struggles to form the words.

"I do."

She smiles softly.

Until he turns around and walks out of the room.

And then she can't breathe all over again.

**Derek**

Oh, God.

He shouldn't have said that.

He shouldn't have done that.

He is most definitely rotting in hell for this one.

He's married, for Christ's sake.

Married men aren't allowed to go around confessing their love for other women.

Especially when-_damn it!_- their wives are waiting just outside the door.

Addison is staring at him like he's some kind of monster.

He opens his mouth to try to say something, to apologize, to make excuses.

Her hand connects with his face so fast he doesn't even have time to duck.

The resounding _smack!_ evidently makes her feel better, because a soft almost-smile graces her lips.

Addison.

She was his everything once.

She was beautiful and witty and talented and he _loved_ her.

Until that day she didn't love him anymore.

Until that day when she loved his best friend.

She swore she didn't. She left him behind to come to Seattle. She pretended to forget all about him.

But he isn't stupid, and he saw the way she looked at Mark.

And he can't love her the same way ever since.

"I want a divorce."

He can't help but be a little relieved that she caved first.

That he wasn't the one to end the façade.

She stalks off, her high heels making a clicking noise against the cold, hard hospital floors.

He turns, and walks back into the hospital room.

She's asleep, head turned away from him.

He sighs, and sits down.

It might be awhile.

-

**Review, please.**


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